‘Letting
Go’ by Charlotte Le Lohé
...
“When I look into his eyes it’s as though I’ve fallen
into the bluest ocean. When his lips part to smile it always makes me smile
too. When he clenches his teeth and his jaw flexes it gives me goose bumps.
When he runs his hand through his hair I want to be in his arms. When I’m in
his presence I feel complete.” There was a steely silence as I stood motionless,
my lips quivering, looking down at the floor, and a second later the room was
in hysterics.
“That’s quite enough class. Thank you for that rather...‘moving’
monologue Abby.” Mrs Green had her ways of making you feel like the most
inferior human being on the planet, not to mention the stark sarcasm which rang
in her voice.
I hated school. It
was a place where if you didn’t match up to a certain stereotype you were
branded a loner, loser, weirdo, and cast-out. “Why me?” I had always wondered,
not that it bothered me much; I liked my own company.
Walking out of class was not really allowed, but I did it
all the time.
“Why do you let them mock you like that?” I carried on
walking as he followed me; I could feel his stare burning into the back of my
head.
“Why won’t you talk to me? I know you’re frustrated, but
you always talk to me” he kept on.
“I just feel like being by myself right now, please just
go” I muttered over my shoulder.
Feeling his hand on my arm I swung around, anger rising.
“Did you not hear what I said? Leave me alone, and take
your hand off me!” I tried to control the tone of my voice but I couldn’t help
it rising.
Over his shoulder, I noticed the door to the classroom I
had walked out of open slightly. Mrs Green was standing there completely
motionless, staring at me. It was hard to see her facial expression but her
eyes displayed confusion.
I could think of nothing else to do but run. I kept
running until all I could hear were the birds chirping. It wasn’t even a nice
day. The sky was grey and everything had an air of eeriness to it, even the birds’
song. That day, time stood still. Being left alone with your thoughts can be
lonely, only I couldn’t shake him from my mind.
...
“If you’re going out at least put a coat on, it’s
absolutely tipping it down out there.” It always annoyed me how mum would do
that, undermine my judgement… who wouldn’t put a coat on when it’s tipping it
down outside?
I politely ignored her and headed out to his car. He
always arrived at the right moments, my saving grace.
The headlights of the oncoming cars lit up his face with
such radiance you would have thought he was centre stage in a play. I couldn’t
stop staring at him. Maybe it was because I was in a world of my own that I
didn’t process the screeching of tyres, the shattering of glass or the impact
the car was having with whatever had come our way, but darkness filled my body
so quickly anyway.
…
“We hope she’ll be very happy here as well as it being a
stable institution for her.”
I hated having to sit outside the door. It always baffled
me why parents never realised that you can still hear everything that is being said,
just because they are speaking behind a closed door.
“Well, thank you for your time Mr Cooper, I am most
grateful for all you have done,” I could hear my mother reply in a distant
voice.
In that moment, before the door to the office opened, two
girls walked past. They both fell silent. As soon as they passed, one started
whispering and I managed to catch a few words.
“That...girl...in......car crash”
...
I had been sat outside in the gloominess for hours now. A
ladybird was slowly making its way across my hand; I couldn’t even find the
energy to flick it off.
“I’ve been worried about you.” His voice came from a
distance.
“You always know where to find me.” I looked up and there
he was, standing in front of me; his hand was extended, waiting for me to take
hold of it.
“I feel so lost and unhappy. But I don’t understand why;
you’re here with me.” I took his hand and he pulled me up. His irresistible big
blue eyes sparkled at me and a wave of peacefulness came across me. Nothing
would ever be able to tear me away from this, from him.
...
Months went by slowly and I became another year older. One
day a new girl joined my class. She must have been new because she came to talk
to me at lunch. No one ever did that apart from him.
“Hiii, your name’s Abby, right? Can I come and sit next
to you?” She did anyway.
“So, why are you sitting alone? Have you been at this
school long? What classes do you take?” So many questions, it was making my
head hurt. All I could notice anyway were the stares coming from all directions
of the room.
PE was the next lesson after lunch. I always locked myself
in the changing room toilet; I managed to stay skinny without having to
exercise, I’m pretty sure most people thought I was bulimic.
“Why does she talk to herself all the time?” I overheard
one girl saying as they all came clattering into the changing room.
“Didn’t you hear? A while back she was in a bad accident
with her boyfriend. She woke up in hospital without a scratch on her and
claimed she couldn’t remember anything. She had absolutely no memory of the
crash. She was the only one who survived and never accepted his death. She still
thinks he’s alive. I think she thinks we’re real too.”
...
The room was cold; a dull grey concrete coffin. The walls
were stark, on one was a high raised miniature window with messy white painted
bars and on the opposite wall was a heavy-looking iron door. The room was fitted
with a wooden desk which was covered in illegible carvings, a chair, a sink
with only a cold water tap, and a bed with minimal bedding. When I looked down,
I noticed I was in a cotton nightie. It scratched at my skin. The buzzing sound
which meant the door was opening hurt my ears and startled me. I cowered back
in the corner where my bed was.
“Abby, it’s time for your shower.” A woman approached me.
She was wearing a bright white uniform, I felt like my eyes were blistering
looking directly at it. I noticed behind her stood a man. He was in an
expensive looking suit, wearing dark rimmed glasses, holding a note pad and pen.
He never took his eyes off me.
“Abby, come on, it’s time for your shower now” The women
repeated. This time she was closer, too close, towering over me.
“I...I don’t understand” I managed to faintly reply back.
“What is this place? I’m supposed to be at school right
now...you need to let me go back to school otherwise they will notice I’m
missing” No one ever noticed I was missing, I thought to myself. I kept
talking, I couldn’t stop talking and my voice grew louder and louder.
“Simon it’s happening again, she’s relapsing.” Everything
was fuzzy and the room was spinning, I heard the woman speak those words and
then the man came towards me. He was holding something, I couldn’t make out
what it was but I struggled as the woman in white tried to restrain me.
The last I remember was a sharp pain in my arm, and then,
as if by magic, the room began to fall away, leaving no one but me. I felt like
I was in heaven. Tranquillity was all I could feel. Then there he was.
“I told you I was worried about you” His voice echoed.
“I can’t let you go” Was all I could say.
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